i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
