If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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