Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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