I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize