dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
