Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
