life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
