just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
