She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
