i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
