if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
