Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
