Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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