My hair reeks of homosexuality.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize