How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
