My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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