Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
