sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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