mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
