That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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