My Higher Power is John Stamos
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
