I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
