my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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