Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
