Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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