I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
