I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
