I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
