Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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