That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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