maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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