I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
