Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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