i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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