She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
