I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
