You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
