How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
