All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I can text with my tongue
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
