Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
