Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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