Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
