he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Houston, we have a squirter
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
