She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
