the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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