is your mom at the bar?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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