There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
