i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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