I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
