Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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