I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize