I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
