I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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