take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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