if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
