If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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