Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
