Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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