Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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