I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
