Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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