I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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