He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize