Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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