you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
